Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
