Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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