I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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