I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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