I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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