rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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