He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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