If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
