what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
