Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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