Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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