My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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