Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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