I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
