So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
