she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
