God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
