I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
