Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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