I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
