I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
