Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
