my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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