the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
sarcasm needs its own font
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
