She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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