its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
