on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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