Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
