I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
