I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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