Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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