New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
