You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
