True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
