She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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