I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
