how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
