Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
