OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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