when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
