last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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