Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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