I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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