I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
