Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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