The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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