I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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