She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
