Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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