it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
