Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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