i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
